Pagan Humor and Other Stuff

Three Wiccan Priestess
Three Wiccan priestesses are on a hiking trip when they reach a river.
The eldest priestess doesn't even pause, but confidently walks across the river.
The second priestess, a bit younger, looks at the river and thinks,
"If she can do it, I can do it," and walks across.
The third and youngest of the three looks at the river and thinks,
"If they can do it, I can do it," and promptly falls into the river.
As she paddles to the other side, the second priestess says to the
first, "You think we shoulda told her about the stepping stones?"
The first priestess says, "What stepping stones?"

As we all know, WWJD? is "What Would Jesus Do?" Now we have:

WWAD? A= Artemis- Turn him into a stag to be torn apart by his barking poodle.
WWAD? A= Athena- Stare him down (Then beat the crap out of them... in a logical manner.)
WWAD? A= Adonis- Take them boar hunting.
WWAD? A= Anubis- Give them a fine funeral.
WWAD? A= Appolo- Test their musical skills... in a fair contest.
WWAD? A= Aphrodite- Don`t you mean "Who" would Aphrodite do?
WWAD? A= Attis- First off... his voice would get REAL HIGH!...
WWAD? A= Astarte- Make love AND war.
WWAD? A= Aequitas- Give them a fair deal.
WWAD? A= Angerona (Goddess of secrecy)-Not gonna tell ya!
WWBD? B= Baal- Shine some light on it.
WWBD? B= Bacchus- Get them drunk and turn them into dolphins.
WWBD? B= Boreas- Blow them out of the water.
WWBD? B= Britannia- Rule!
WWBD? B= Buddha- Does it matter? If you are enlightened it does not. If you
are not enlightened it still doesn`t matter.
WWCD? C= Ceres- Discuss it calmly while holding a scythe.
WWCD? C= Ceridwen- Stir it up one more time.
WWCD? C= Chaos- No one is quite sure... but it will be messy and interesting.
WWCD? C= Cthulu- Does it matter? No one will survive anyway.
WWDD? D= Demeter- Lay waste to your lands if you don`t have her daughter
back by 10 p.m.! (And DON`T lay a hand on her!)
WWDD? D= Discordia- Here... have an apple...IF you are the fairest!
WWED? E= Epona- Give them a good tip on a fast horse in the sixth.
WWED? E= Ereskigal- Strip them and hang them on a hook to rot.
WWTED? ET= The Elueusinians- It`s a mystery!
WWFD? F= Flora- Say it with flowers.
WWFD? F= Fortuna- Play the lottery.
WWFD? F= Fides- Keep good faith.
WWGD? G= Gaia- Remind them to worship the ground they stand on.
WWHD? H= Hades- Tell them to go to Hell.
WWHD? H= Hecate- Show them the right path... or is it the left?
WWHD? H= Hera- She`d get jealous.
WWHD? H= Hercules- He`d labor to come up with an answer.
WWHD? H= Hermes- Tell them to get the message or take a hike.
WWHD? H= Herne- Lead them on a Wild Hunt!
WWID? I= Iris- Paint them a rainbow to send the message.
WWID? I=Isis- Find every part of them after they are torn apart.
WWJD? J= Janus- Look the other way.
WWJD? J= Juno- Make sure they marry well.
WWJD? J= Jupiter- Strike them down with a bolt from the blue.
WWKD? K= Kali- Tear out their beating heart, drink their blood & dance on their trembling
corpse. Then wear parts as jewelry.
WWKD? K= Klotho- Wind it up.
WWKD? K= Kwan Yin- Show them some mercy.
WWLD? L= Loki- Turn left at the next street, buy five chickens, "borrow" some jewelry, change into a
seal and steal some apples. For starters.
WWLD? L= Luna- Moon them!
WWMD? M= Mithras- Cut the bull!
WWMD? M= Mars- Suit up for battle.
WWMD? M= Mercury- Change his mind... again.
WWND? N= Narcissus- Huh? Is there someone else here?
WWND? N= Neptune- Ride the ninth wave.
WWND? N= Nemesis- Get "furious".
WWND? N= Nike- Be victorious.
WWND? N= Nyx- "Good Night!"
WWOD? O= Osiris- Cut to the "bone".
WWOD? O= Odin- Hang on a tree for nine days until you start seeing things.
WWOD? O= Orpheus- SIng the blues.
WWPD? P= Pan- Tell them to pipe down of F_ck off.
WWPD? P= Pax- Tell them "peace".
WWPD? P= Persephone- Just take a little bite, it wont be that bad.
WWPD? P= Pluto- Hump Minnie`s leg.
WWPD? P= Poseidon- Have an adventure... but there has to be a morning after.
WWPD? P= Prometheus- GIve it some thought first.
WWSD? S= Set- You don`t want to know but it wont be nice.
WWSD? S= Shiva- Start all over again.
WWTD? T= Themis- Put on a blindfold before she decides.
WWTD? T= Thor- Hammer it out.
WWVD? V= Vesta- Keep the home fires burning.
WWVD? V= Vulcan- Live long and prosper.
WWYD? Y= Yahweh- "I hear you, I hear you. Stop with the burning bush already! OY!
WWZD? Z= Zeus- By Jove, he`d flirt with the girls!



Pagan Blessing

Pagan Blessing


Blessed be my eyes,
That I may see Thy path.
Blessed be my nose,
That I breath Thy essence.
Blessed be my mouth,
That I may speak of Thee.
Blessed be my breast,
That I may be faithful in Thy works.
Blessed Be my loins,
Which bring forth the life of man
As Thou has brought forth all creation.
Blessed be my feet,
That I may forever walk in Thy ways.

A Couple Of Things That I Found On The AOL Pagan Message Boards -- Some Are Related To Paganism, Others Aren't.

Subject: God's Total Quality Questionnaire
Date: 06/22/2000 11:44 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: GryphondAu
Message-id: <20000622144458.29060.00000319@ng-da1.aol.com>


God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer
the following questions.

1. How did you find out about your deity?

__ Newspaper
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Television
__ Book of Mormon
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Dead Sea Scrolls
__ Near Death Experience
__ Near Life Experience
__ National Public Radio
__ Tabloid
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other (specify): _____________

2. Which model deity did you acquire?

__ Jehovah
__ Jesus
__ Krishna
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
__ Allah
__ Satan
__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
__ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
__ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good
working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes
__ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered
here.

Please indicate all that apply:

__ Not eternal
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
__ Not omniscient
__ Not omnipotent
__ Permits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__ Makes mistakes
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
__ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people
__ When beseeched, He doesn't stay beseeched

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?

Please check all that apply.

__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like organ music
__ Need to feel morally superior
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__ Shit was falling out of the sky
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god
were you fooled by?

Please check all that apply.

__ Baal
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ The Radical Right
__ Beelzebub
__ Bill Gates
__ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ Elvis
__ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in
addition to God?

Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Alcohol
__ Bill Clinton
__ Amway
__ CompuServe
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Other:_____________________

7. God attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
following

(1=unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

a. Disasters:

1 2 3 4 5 flood
1 2 3 4 5 famine
1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 war
1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 plague
1 2 3 4 5 Spam
1 2 3 4 5 AOLers

b. Miracles:

1 2 3 4 5 rescues
1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over jerkwater towns
1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever

8. From time to time God makes available the names and addresses of
His followers and devotees to selected divine personages who provide
quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you
interested in a compilation of listed offerings?

__ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit
of my own mortal soul


Subject: Church Bulletin Bloopers
Date: 07/02/2000 10:29 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: PurpleHeathen
Message-id: <20000702132951.01238.00001112@ng-cd1.aol.com>


Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.

Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the financial secretary gave a grief report.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.

Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa."

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.


Subject: Repost: THE JERKS
Date: 01/14/2000 8:05 PM Pacific Standard Time
From: FervidRain
Message-id: <20000114230543.00908.00000160@ng-co1.aol.com>


"The Jerks"

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call
I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely
saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I
please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on
me!

I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two
digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still
lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up. Next
to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk
drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell,
'You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a
real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice,
"Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller
ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly
called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!" And the
reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if
there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about
it. Just dial 722-4822.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the
parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her
car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the
stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull
out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking isle in
the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my
horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself,
this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in this world. I
noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of his car.

I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A
couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just
gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "You're a
jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on
speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black
camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I
said,"Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?" "Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th
street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I
said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time
to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I
tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the
phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed
dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when
I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of
calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to
seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello." I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up. The jerk
said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah.." He said, "Stop calling
me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don
Hansen." "Where do you live?""1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow
house and my black camaro's parked out front." "I'm coming over right
now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm
really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up. Then I called Jerk #2. He
answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, Jerk!" He said, "If I ever find out
who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your butt." "Well, here's
your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big
gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I
climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole
thing.I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a
tree half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting
out front.

Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The police
wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away. A couple of
months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked to be on a
trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would have
it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have influenced the
jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, "We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!"

The Descent of the Goddess

Tana, our Lady and Goddess, would solve all mysteries, even the mystery of Death. And so she journeyed to the Underworld in her boat, upon the Sacred River of Descent. Then it came to pass that she entered before the first of seven gates to the Underworld. And the Guardian challenged her, demanding one of her garments for passage, for nothing may be received except that something be given in return. And at each of the gates the goddess was required to pay the price of passage, for the guardians spoke to her: "Strip off your garments, and set aside your jewels, for nothing may you bring with you into this our realm."
So Tana surrendered her jewels and her clothing to the Guardians, and was bound as all living must be who seek to enter the realm of Death and the Mighty Ones. At the first gate she gave over her scepter, at the second her crown, at the third her necklace, at the fourth her ring, at the fifth her girdle, at the sixth her sandels, and at the seventh her gown. Tana stood naked and was presented before Dis, and such was her beauty that he himself knealt as she entered. He laid his crown and his sword at her feet saying: "Blessed are your feet which have brought you down this path." Then he arose and said to Tana: "Stay with me I pray, and receive my touch upon your heart."
And Tana replied to Dis: "But I love you not, for why do you cause all the things I love, and take delight in, to fade and die?"
"My Lady" replied Dis "it is age and fate against which you speak. I am helpless, for age causes all things to whither, but when men die at the end of their time, I give them rest, peace and strength. For a time they dwell with the Moon, and the spirits of the moon; then they may return to the realm of the living. But you are so lovely, and I ask you to return not, but abide with me here."
But she answered "No, for I do not love you." Then Dis said "If you refuse to embrace me, then you must kneel to death's scourge." The goddess answered him: "If it is to be, then it is fate, and better so!" So Tana knelt in submission before the hand of death, and he scourged her with so tender a hand that she cried out "I know your pain, and the pain of love."
Dis raised her to her feet and said "Blessed are you, my Queen and my Lady." Then he gave to her the five kisses of initiation, saying: "Only thus may you attain to knowledge and to joy."
And he taught her all of his mysteries, and he gave her the necklace which is the symbol of rebirth. And she taught him her mysteries of the sacred cup which is the cauldron of rebirth.
They loved and joined in union with each other, and for a time Tana dwelled in the realm of Dis.
For there are three mysteries in the life of man which are: birth, sex, and death (and love controls them all). To fulfill love, you must return at the same time and place as those who have loved before. And you must meet, recognize, remember, and love them anew. But to be reborn you must die and be made ready for a new body. And to die you must be born, but without love you may not be born among your own.
But our Goddess is inclined to favor love, and joy and happiness. She guards and cherishes her hidden children in this life and the next. In death she reveals the way to her communion, and in life she teaches them the Magick of the mystery of the Circle (which is set between the worlds of Men and of the Gods).
This story is from The Ways of the Strega by Raven Grimassi

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The Myth of Diana



Diana was the first created before all creation; in her were all things; out of herself, the first darkness. She divided herself into darkness and the light. From the light she was divided. Dianus, her brother and son, herself and her other half, became the light.
And when Diana saw that the light was so beautiful, the light which was her other half, her brother Dianus, she yearned for it with a great desire. Wishing to receive the light again into her darkness, to swallow it up in rapture, in delight, she trembled with desire. This desire was the dawn.
But Dianus, the light, fled from her, and would not yield to her wishes; He was the light which flies into the most distant parts of heaven, the mouse which flies before the cat.
Then Diana went to the Fathers of the Beginning, to the Mothers, the Spirits who were before the first spirit, and lamented unto them that she could not prevail with Dianus. And they praised her for her courage; they told her that to rise she must fall; to become the chief of goddesses she must become a mortal.
And in the Ages, in the course of Time, when the world was made, Diana went on Earth, as did Dianus, who had descended, and Diana taught Magick and sorcery, whence came witches and Magickians, and all that is like man, yet not mortal.
And it came thus that Diana took the form of a cat. Her brother had a cat whom he loved beyond all creatures, and it slept everynight on his bed, a cat beautiful beyond all other creatures, a fairy, he did not know this.
Diana prevailed with the cat to change forms with her; so she lay with her brother, and in the darkness assumed her own form, and so by Dianus became the mother of Aradia. But when in the morning he found that he lay with his sister, and that light had been conquered by darkness, Dianus was extremly angry. But Diana sang to him a spell, a song of power, and he was silent, the song of the night which soothes to sleep; he could say nothing.
So Daina with her wiles of Witchcraft so charmed him that he yielded to her love. This was the first fascination; she hummed the song which was as the buzzing of the bees, and the spinning of a wheel; the spinning wheel spinning Life. She spun then the lives of Men, and all things were spun from the Wheel of Diana. And it was Dianus who turned the Wheel.

This story was taken from Ways of the Strega, written by Raven Grimassi

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Amazing Grace ~ Pagan Version

Amazing Grace
How sweet the Earth,
That bore a Witch like me.
I once was burned,
Now I survive.
Was Hanged but now I sing.

'Twas Grace, That Drew
Down the Moon,
And Grace that Raised
The Seas,
The Magick in,
The people's Will
Will Set our Mother Free.

We Face The East,
And breathe the winds,
That move across the Earth,
From gentle breeze to hurricane,
Our breath will bring forth change.

Turn Towards the South,
And Feel the Fire,
That burns in you and me,
The Spirit's flame shall rise again,
And Burn Eternally.

We Greet the West
Our Souls awash,
In Tides of Primal Birth,
Our Pain and blood, Our Tears and love
Shall cleanse and heal the Earth.

Reach in to North,
And Know your roots,
Down Deep ancestral Caves.
We find the Wisdom of the Crone,
Of Circles we are made.

Amazing Grace
How Sweet the Earth
That bore Witches like We.
We once were burned
Now we survive
Were hanged and now we sing.

Goddess bless,
So mote it be
Our Magick Spirals on,
Merry meet and Merry Part
And Merry meet Again.

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“Ember or Flame”

Are you an ember
Are you a flame?
Do you stand strong
Or melt in the rain?
Are you a weak link
or part of the chain?
Are you the solution
Or part of the blame?
For we are the People
and we are the change.

Who should be watching
Protecting the earth?
Is the land sacred
Or just so much dirt?
Your sisters and brothers,
Who helps with their pain?
Are you part of the filling
Or part of the drain?
For we are the Power
and we are the change.

When modern-day Witches
Are put to the flame
Do you go for more kindling
Or shout down in shame?
Do you just hang out
When others are hanged?
Do you make a difference
Or just stay the same?
Are you part of the problem
Or part of the change?

For we are the People
We are the Power
We are the Change.

By David Norris *~* Copyright 1997

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